Close to His Heart

                                         

   We had just finished pushing Thomas the Train down the track to meet up with his red friend James, and read the last few pages of Curious George Gets a Medal. It was time to get our coats on and head home for nap time, crossing my fingers he didn’t fall asleep in the car. I pulled his blueberry hat over his ears to bear the Massachusetts winter chill, and guided his little arms into the royal blue marshmallow puff coat I thought would be so warm. Yet, now, the coat was an object of regret because what two year old wouldn’t scream in opposition to being bound like a mummy, unable to move.  I wasn’t sure if it was the coat or not wanting to leave, but the wailing began.

   Feet stomping, throwing himself on the floor kicking, he screamed, “No, Mommy, I don’t want to go home!No, no, no!”

   I tried counting to ten. I tried calmly explaining it was time. I tried bribing him with a cookie. He was 2, his will was not going to give in to mine. I wanted to hide under the train table and pretend like he wasn’t mine,  so no one would have the opportunity to see a two year old win a screaming match with a grown adult, his mother.

  So many feelings of guilt and shame entered my mind, “I have training in teaching, working with children. I was a babysitter for multiple children. Why is this so hard and why do I feel like my child is in charge here?”

    I truly had no answers for how to get a two year old to leave the store with both of us in one piece.

 I finally turned to God, realizing I was out of options and asked Him to calm my heart, help me to be patient.

  In a whisper, I breathed,”Lord, please calm my son and his frustration. Help him to obey, to give up his strong will that is causing him to resist me right now.”

   Soon after I prayed, his body fell limp, his breathing slowed and so did mine. Calm rushed over both of us and I began to feel love and understanding for my son.

 I realized,”He doesn’t understand, he is learning to exert his independence.  Let go of the anger, he is only 2 after all.”

    I held him close, whispered,”I love you. I am glad you are ready now, let’s go home.” He snuggled close and whimpered ,”Love you Mommy,” now very ready for the nap awaiting us.

   Walking through the parking lot to my rusted mini-van, I thought “Why, in these moments is God frequently my last resort? Why do I think I can do it on my own? This was a test and I was failing. I thought I had it under control, I knew what to do but it wasn’t working. And as for being faithful, not me, God was the last thought on my mind when I had nothing left but to seek Him.  Again, failing in the faith department.”

  As a young mom, moments like these helped me realize that I was not in control, not in any situation, nor over my children’s emotions.  No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much knowledge I possessed, parenting is tough and our children have their own desires that often resist ours.  When we face feelings of failure, we can respond in a few different ways.  Option 1-Achieve Perfection,  Option 2-Give Up, Option 3-Trust.  Perfection is a joy-stealer robbing you of time with your children, the opportunity to laugh, be silly, forget the dishes and play on the floor. Giving up can mean choosing not to teach our children, embracing our own desires for happiness at the expense of our kids’ well-being.  To trust means to seek God’s plan in every situation, to recognize His goodness, His presence, and His love. I began to see that Trust was the best option, the one I knew had worked so many times before in my life,  I had just forgotten.

  As a young mom, turning to Jesus every day is what saved me.  Being a mom can be so exhausting, so disheartening at times, even painful both physically and emotionally.  When I began to turn my heart to Christ in the grocery line, on the way to story time, in the middle of the night, on bed rest; God met me. He walked with me. He loved me, and he held me up.  When my kids chose to exert their strong wills, I could rest in God’s loving embrace, trusting He has this. He gave me the strength to be patient, loving, calm, and kind.  He provided wisdom to speak truth to my kids, to guide them and lead them even when it was hard.  And still today, trust is the best option, especially when those strong wills turn sixteen.

  Where do you turn when you feel like giving up, when parenting is not as precious as it looks on Instagram, and your house looks like a Pinterest dropout? Mommas, Jesus wants to hear from you, He wants to be with you in every moment.