Loving with Intention

These days of quarantine and family closeness are Instapots for our emotions. With the stress of constant togetherness, our hearts’ true colors are revealed quickly. What kind of person am I? What is important to me? Am I self-motivated or easily influenced? Am I kind and selfless or am I self-centered and angry? The amount of care we have intentionally given to teach and mold our children is revealed in each child’s current response to struggle and challenge.

Today, I see strength and resilience in my children . This has not always been the case. Many long car rides to reach a restful vacation have ended in screaming matches. Years of nighttime bed-wetting resulted in exhaustion, anger, and discouragement. Lessons in lying about stolen bubble gum released a river of tears that led to a place of understanding and forgiveness. These moments are the paths by which we lead our kids and we ourselves go to the foot of the cross, accepting our faults and sin, receiving His love and tender mercy. In this moment of facing a giant, the pandemic of Covid-19, I have seen our children choose to serve their community by working at grocery stores and leading worship as a family to minimize others’ risk. They have put aside the sadness of missing friends to learn new skills like playing guitar, or making just the right basketball shot, expressing their feelings through painting and cooking.

I see many other families, with their children, lifting the spirits of nursing home residents and health care workers, blessing first responders and those who are ill with meals and words of hope. Friends are ensuring special celebrations don’t go by without demonstrating love and appreciation. Birthday parades, video chats, and dropping off gifts of love on front porches have become a new reality in the absence of face to face contact.

As parents, this stay at home order provides an unusual gift of time and closeness if we use it well. Don’t get me wrong, the piles of dirty socks, endless dishes, and power struggles over homework can tend to persuade us to hide in our bedrooms with the covers over our heads-been there. But there are sweet moments too, opportunities to instill values and model the character traits we want for our children.

I am hoping with you, that the call to stay home quickly changes to life as normal. As we continue to heed the call of quarantine, there are some treasures I learned staying home when my kids were young, that may give unique perspective during this time. If you are struggling to know how to lead your family, how to manage the bickering and arguments, how to model and teach values like gratitude and selflessness, consider the question-how am I intentionally teaching my children to love Jesus and others? Am I making the most of this gift of time, not in a way that guilts me into trying to be a Pinterest mom, but in how I reflect and teach faith to my kids? Here are some ways we have learned, mostly trial by fire, to be intentional to teach and model faith to our kids.

Love your children through the struggle.

Let your children experience their emotions without it affecting yours. It is so important to remain clear headed and steady during the tantrums, outbursts, and power struggles. It is so easy to feel dejected and like a failure in these moments. You are not, and these behaviors are normal in small amounts, especially in the toddler years. As they get older,  teaching them strategies and skills for coping become critical.

Encourage creativity.

God is a creator. Your children were created in the image of God. Give them resources to create and explore, engage with them when you can, but also let them try it by themselves. Let them paint with watercolors or washable paint, even in a high chair, they are not too young. Newspaper hats and refrigerator box forts were all the rage for my kids. Outside is heaven, try to take walks and explore as much as possible. Sidewalk chalk, playdough, pots and pans. When you establish a spirit of creativity in your homes, children typically reflect this creativity independently as they get older. 

Pray with and for your kids.

When they are having a hard day, lead them in prayer. Pray for them on your own, for the qualities you want to see in them and the grace to model these qualities yourself. When my kids were young before bedtime, we took turns saying 3 things-1)A word of praise for who God is, “God, you are awesome;” 2)One thing we want to confess and ask forgiveness for (this is a humbling prayer for you to model as your confession might also reveal how you acted wrongly towards your family) “God, forgive me for being angry and yelling about the mess today.”  3)One thing or person you want to pray for-“Please help grandma feel better.” We still use this pattern with teenagers, it helps lead them in a pattern and discipline of prayer.

Bless your children with words of encouragement. 

Words of blessing instill confidence in how God made each member of your family good.“I love how you were thinking about your sister before you took the last cookie, you are generous and thoughtful.” “I love you so much, you are one of the best gifts I have ever received. Never forget how special you are.” “I know you will be an amazing doctor someday, you are compassionate and a hard worker.” Throughout the Bible, God blesses His children and parents bless their sons and daughters, calling them to glorify God with who they are. 

Put on your airmask.

Be kind to yourself and find those best shows or IPad games that keep your children occupied for a good hour. Sesame Street never failed us, and it’s educational! Frozen, Jo Jo, whatever works. Take a shower, spend time in prayer, talk to a friend. Make it a priority to give yourself rest and time to reboot. When my fourth was a baby, my lack of taking time for myself  caved in and  I faced overwhelming depression and hopelessness. It took years to regain a sense of self-worth and even the desire to serve my family well. Make this a priority before it is too late. 

The difference of intentional parenting is like a well-loved, passed down recipe.  Begin with the perfect ingredients, follow each step in the right time, give careful attention at critical moments, know the outcome you desire, and take the time to make sure it is done well. On the other hand, if we parent reactively, we get burnt toast, terrible taste, and a poor outcome. Savor the process to help our children become the young men and women they were created to be. Putting in the hard work now will pay off as your children get older. Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.

As I am preparing to send my oldest to college next year, I ask myself is he ready to take on the world? We have instilled love through trial, blessing to build confidence, prayer to instill God’s power, creativity to problem solve and contribute to the world, and relatively healthy parents to support him on his way. By no means have we done this perfectly, but on the launching side of parenting, these principles have proven effective. With tears, I know he will be ready, but will I? Make the most of this gift of time, not just with Pinterest inspired crafts, but with blessing, prayer, creativity, and intentional love.