Friendship is a huge topic of conversation in our home, with children ages 10-16. Andy and Sandra Stanley, pastor of Northpoint Community Church and his wife, label the parenting stages from 5-12 the Training Years-putting the why behind the what and ages 12-18 the Coaching Years- offering advice from the sidelines. Friendship is something that doesn’t always happen naturally, sometimes takes work, and inevitably creates some conflict which can be very hard to watch your child go through. We have seen the value of modeling, training, and coaching our kids through friendships.
When most children are young, friendships are easy, kids are kinder, whomever you are around and is smiling becomes a friend. As they get older, values and interests become more important and begin to create separation among friends. We have navigated encouraging our kids to step away from unhealthy friendships and nudging them towards healthier ones. We have proudly watched our pre-teens successfully deal with conflict and continue friendships that had challenges. We are still walking through these learning curves now, but have learned some great principles on friendship that have proven helpful for our children. With a new school year on the horizon, I hope these will be helpful for you as well.
1) Think of others first-Even when you may not love or like doing something, sometimes friendship means showing an interest and learning to try something new so that they know you care about them more than getting your own way. When friends are over, we stand by the mantras-serve guests first at dinner, give friends first choice at games, first turn on the video games. Being a good friend means putting others’ interests above our own. It might be a hard lesson, but learned early pays off in great rewards! Philippians 2:3 ERV In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. Be humble, and honor others more than yourselves.
2)Make an effort to include– When possible, invite all, when not possible, be discreet. This is big on social media, we try to discourage exclusivity announcements on social media or in big groups-so easy to hurt feelings. At early ages, we also talked to our kids about not announcing best friend status which excludes others or makes them feel second best. In the age of besties and BFFs, I recognize many will disagree with this. However, can’t our kids have best friends, tell us about their best friends, but make all the friends in their world feel like they are equally special? Colossians 3:12 Show mercy to others. Be kind, humble, gentle, and patient.Â
3) Forgive-Yes, friends will disappoint us. They might annoy us, hurt our feelings, or really make us angry. Yet, we are not perfect either. Encourage your kids to talk about their feelings with their friends when there is a conflict, listen and seek to understand their friends’ point of view, and try to come to a place of forgiveness, to restore the friendship. I have to tell you, when your 11 year old can manage a Middle School Girl conflict by going through these steps and coming out still friends-this is a priceless lesson learned. Colossians 3:13 ERV Don’t be angry with each other, but forgive each other. If you feel someone has wronged you, forgive them. Forgive others because the Lord forgave you.
4) Surround yourself with those that help you become your best self. This may sound opposite from number 2, but having best friends and being intentionally exclusive are different. It is so important to spend time with those who support you, encourage your interests, and share your values. Organize play dates and say yes as often as possible when these positive friendships present opportunities to hang out. This often leads to mom friends too, even better; great friends usually have awesome parents!! Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times
I have loved watching my kids put these principles of friendship into action and even indirectly teach their friends how to love and forgive. They are much more confident and able to deal with conflict than I was at their age. They have also struggled at times, this is when our hugs and reassurance help them try again. In a world where kindness is not a given, we can make a difference by starting with our own families. Share your family tips for friendship and awesome stories about friends in the comments.
